And Another Thing... by Eoin Colfer

Author:Eoin Colfer [Adams, Douglas]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Tags: General, Fiction, Science Fiction, Fiction - Science Fiction, Humorous, Science Fiction - General, Science Fiction And Fantasy
ISBN: 9781401310301
Publisher: Hyperion Books
Published: 2010-07-15T04:00:00+00:00

Fenchurch scratched her earlobe and sparks crackled at the contact. ‘I can tell you what love means, dictionary-wise, all the synonyms and so forth. And I can tell you all about endorphins and synapses and muscle memory. But ardour’s resonance in the heart is a mystery to me. I’m a computer, Arthur.’

Arthur hid his disappointment with the traditional brisk rubbing of hands and stiffening of upper lip.

‘Of course. No problem.’

‘I am made to live for ever but you are made to live.’

‘Isn’t that a Sirius Cybernetics Corporation slogan?’ said Arthur, frowning. Fenchurch heated two pixel clusters to affect a blush. ‘It might be. All that means is that an entire company of advertisers think you will believe it.’

‘Ah. No answers, then.’

‘Only questions.’

‘I thought we didn’t know the big question.’

Fenchurch examined her own fingers. ‘The big question is different for everyone. For me, it’s the halflife of this ship’s reactor. I’m not actually made to live for ever, that’s just a slogan.’

‘And what’s the answer to the half-life question?’

‘I don’t know. Bloody thing is touched by godly magic. It should have stopped ten thousand years ago.’

‘So no answers for you either?’

‘Nope.’

‘Talk is just talk, isn’t it?’

‘Sounds like it.’

‘It looks like everyone is relying on Thor. I know he was your boss, but he struck me as a terrible bore.’

Fenchurch stared dreamily into the past. ‘A bore? No. He was lovely. Divine.’

Arthur could not remember seeing that expression on the real Fenchurch’s face. ‘I think we’ll have to disagree on that one.’

‘Very well, Arthur Dent. Shall I select a random question from the lexicon of your memory?’

‘Good idea.’

The computer flicked through the files for a moment then asked: ‘Do you fancy a cup of tea?’

Arthur smiled. ‘Now there’s a question I can answer.’

Asgard

Guide Note: The Aesir have always made an enormous deal of the absolute wonderfulness of Asgard. Odin’s son Baldur is quoted as saying: ‘Everything is massive and huge and brilliant. You mortals with your puny stuff and things have no idea what real brilliant stuff is. We have stuff that would blow your little minds, and then other stuff in jars, sort of lotion, that would put your minds back together again. Then there’s this cosmic cow who, like, licked Valhalla out of the ice, and an old guy who sweated Odin’s father out of his armpit. That kind of stuff happens every day on Asgard.’

This is typical of the sort of standard vague, inconsistent party line that prompted Boam Catharsee, the charismatic leader of the Horrisonian Cult of Agnosticism, to smuggle himself into Asgard, in the belly of a goat, to see the planet for himself. The oft-sampled Catharsee recordings read as follows: ‘The smell from beyond my hiding place is almost unbearable, but I shall persevere for you, my people. I’m not surprised that no one believes in these gods any more, they really stink. I can hear a fire crackling so, whatever lies outside, I must take my knife and cut my way out before this carcass is tossed into the oven.

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